Moral Theories Are Great… Until You Need One That Actually Works
Why We Keep Arguing About Morality (and Why It Matters Less Than You Think)
— a rant about ethics, power, and the real world
1. Philosophy’s Eternal Hamster Wheel
Spend an afternoon scrolling philosophy Twitter and you’ll watch the same debate replay forever:
Utilitarian: “Lying is OK if it saves lives!”
Kantian: “No, principles are absolute!”
Virtue ethicist, sipping tea: “Just be a good person, dudes.”
It’s Groundhog Day with footnotes. From Plato to Rawls, brilliant minds invent airtight theories, poke holes in everyone else’s, then patch their own with even finer distinctions. Centuries later we’re still bickering over the trolley problem like it’s a new season of Black Mirror.
Why the déjà vu? Because each big-name theory starts by assuming its own first principle. If you begin with “maximize happiness,” you’ll end up defending a calculus of happiness. Start with “never lie,” you’ll build rules that forbid lying. The premises lock in the conclusions, and the arguments chase their own tails.
Intellectually, that’s fun. Practically, it’s a hamster wheel.
2. A 60-Second Tour of 2,500 Years of Ethics
Ancient Greece: Socrates asks annoying questions, Plato dreams up perfect Forms, Aristotle says “chill—practice good habits.”
Stoics & Epicureans: One tells you to embrace fate, the other hands you a glass of wine.
Medieval theologians: “God commands it, case closed.”
Hobbes: Life is nasty; sign the contract.
Kant: Duty above all (even if it ruins the party).
Bentham & Mill: Happiness spreadsheets.
Nietzsche: Smash the spreadsheets; become who you are.
Rawls: Let’s reboot society behind a curtain of ignorance.
Modern academia: Rinse, refine, repeat.
That’s the short version. You’re welcome.
3. When Power Smells a Moral Theory
Here’s where things get spicy. Kings, popes, commissars, CEOs—whoever runs the show—love a good moral wrapper. It turns raw power into noble duty:
Divine Right of Kings: God said Louis XIV gets the bling, so pay your taxes and stop complaining.
Manifest Destiny: Conquering half a continent? Relax, it’s Providence urging you westward.
Revolutionary utopias: Bad stuff today is fine because Tomorrowland will be perfect.
Swap slogans, keep the mechanism: grab an ethical idea, bend it until it justifies what you were going to do anyway, call dissent “immoral.” Instant legitimacy.
Even liberal democracies play the game. Torture becomes “enhanced interrogation,” surveillance becomes “protecting freedom,” bombing campaigns “save lives.” Consequentialism on tap, no philosophical license required.
4. The Reality Check
But life is messy, humans are squishy, and pure theories snap the moment they leave the seminar room.
Absolute duty?
Try telling a parent they can’t lie to protect their kid.
Greatest good math?
Show your spreadsheet to the patient you’d sacrifice for marginal QALYs.
The real world demands trade-offs. Courts invent “reasonable person” tests. Doctors hold ethics rounds. Legislatures carve out exceptions. Pragmatists like John Dewey shrug and say, “Treat principles like hypotheses—test ’em, tweak ’em, move on.”
In other words, morality isn’t a single code; it’s a negotiated truce between clashing intuitions, interests, and facts on the ground.
5. So … Should We Ditch Philosophy?
Not quite. Theory gives us language, focus, and the occasional aha! moment. (Rawls’ veil of ignorance is still a killer empathy hack.) But expecting a Final Answer is like waiting for the last Marvel movie—there’s always another sequel.
The smarter move:
Keep multiple lenses. Consequences, duties, character—each catches blind spots the others miss.
Watch for power plays. When a politician quotes Kant or Jesus, ask what they’re selling.
Prototype morals like tech. Ship version 1.0 (say, universal human rights), gather feedback, patch the bugs (add privacy, fix loopholes), iterate.
Stay humble. If your theory says famine victims “deserve it” or that a nuclear strike is “optimal,” maybe reread the user manual on being human.
6. The Takeaway
Moral philosophy is a conversation, not a conclusion. It’s Socrates forever raising his hand in the back of the room, asking why. That’s annoying—yet essential—because power, fear, and greed never sleep. Abstract ethics keep them honest(-ish), and lived experience keeps ethics honest in return.
So the next time someone on the internet declares they’ve found the One True Moral Rule, smile politely. Then ask how it handles pandemics, self-driving cars, and your grandmother’s dog.
Reality is undefeated. Any moral theory that forgets that is just another hamster wheel—fun to watch, but going nowhere.