“Diversity™ – When Difference Becomes Dogma”

Welcome to the satirical side of diversity. Grab a cup of inclusion (it comes in every flavor) and let’s take a light-hearted yet pointed romp through the wonderland of modern diversity. All identities are welcome on this ride – except maybe skeptics, we don’t like their kind here (kidding…mostly).

Once Upon a Time, “Diversity” Meant Different Things…

Long, long ago – say, 50 years – diversity was like a big potluck dinner. Everyone brought something different to the table, and we all tried a bit of everything. It was messy, surprising, and sometimes you tasted something weird, but hey, that was the fun of it. Fast forward to today’s corporate/academic world, and diversity has become a meticulously planned banquet with assigned seating. The menu is fixed: one from Column A, one from Column B… Every demographic gets a dish. Don’t you dare bring an unapproved casserole of unorthodox opinion – it might spoil the uniform flavor.

In the olden days, a “diverse discussion” meant people vigorously disagreeing – conservatives, liberals, anarchists, Vulcans, who knows – hashing out ideas. Today, a “Diverse Perspectives Panel” might feature five people of different outward identities all nodding in violent agreement about the same viewpoint. (Cue that Spider-Man pointing meme, “Is this the diversity we were looking for?”) It’s as if we traded a pluralism of ideas for a monolith of approved thought, as long as the speakers each check a different identity box. Different shells, same nut inside.

Intellectual Elites and the Temple of D.E.I.:

Let’s set the scene: a modern university campus, lush with ideals and perhaps the occasional irony. At the center stands a temple – the Office of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion – where high priests (Chief Diversity Officers) tend to the sacred flame of Diversity™. This flame must never go out, so every week they offer sacrifices: usually nuance and sometimes a scholar’s career, if he unwisely questioned a diversity policy on Twitter. Students gather for struggle sessions – oops, I mean “workshops” – to confess their privilege and recite the mantras: “Diversity is our strength. Amen.” At orientation, they learn the 11 Commandments of Inclusion, which include gems like “Thou shalt always use the correct pronouns (or we smite thee)” and “Love thy diversity statement, or depart from our presence.” It’s all well-intentioned – the aim is to create a utopia free of hate – but one can’t help noticing it resembles a religion in its zealous fervor. (John McWhorter rings the bell here: someone in the back mutters, “Hallelujah, preach!”)

To be fair, the Temple of D.E.I. has done good – overt racism is banished to the shadows, and you do meet people from all over the world on campus (though they might all be equally afraid to say the wrong thing in seminar). But if you listen closely during the sermons, you’ll hear that diversity has a very particular definition now, as decreed by the intellectual elite clergy. It’s like a turf war over a dictionary: “Diversity shall henceforth mean the holy trinity of Race, Gender, Sexuality (and a sprinkle of others if we’re feeling generous). Diversity shall not refer to viewpoint, especially not if it disagrees with us. Can I get an amen?” Amen! Diversity of opinion? That’s the devil’s talk – we cast it out in the name of inclusion!

Corporate Diversity: Coloring by Numbers (and Letters)

Meanwhile, in corporate towers across the land, CEOs are chanting their own diversity mantras. They woke up one morning sometime around June 2020 in a cold sweat, screaming “Find me a diversity consultant, STAT!” Nothing like a bit of global unrest to remind the C-suite that maybe, possibly, having a board that looks like a 1950s country club isn’t a great PR look. So they all went on a shopping spree for a Chief Diversity Officer, sort of like Pokémon – gotta catch ’em all, 74% of S&P companies did .

Now, the corporate approach to diversity can sometimes feel like a paint-by-numbers kit. Step 1: Issue a heartfelt statement that “Our company stands for diversity, equity, unicorns, rainbows, and inclusion for all.” Step 2: Hire a few photogenic folks from underrepresented groups and splash them on the company website banner – success, the face of the firm is now 100% diverse! (Never mind that nothing changed in the power structure.) Step 3: Schedule mandatory unconscious bias training where employees learn, to their horror, that if they don’t cry at least once during the session, they’re probably racist. Step 4: Form committees to celebrate each heritage month with potlucks (because who doesn’t love samosas and tacos in the break room?). Step 5: Take a victory lap in the annual report about how diversity is driving innovation – conveniently illustrated with a stock photo of a multi-ethnic team smiling around a computer, presumably innovating the heck out of something.

All joking aside, some companies do make real changes. But others, as Kuttner pointed out, wear diversity like a cheap costume to impress onlookers . They’ll tout how diverse their law firm team was that, say, defended a giant corporation against a wage-fixing lawsuit – “sure, we crushed the little guys, but an all-women team did it! #GirlBoss” . It’s a little like bragging that the pirate crew that hijacked your ship was very multicultural – not exactly the point of progress we were aiming for.

When Diversity Becomes…Inversity?

Ever notice how some diversity initiatives seem to loop back on themselves like a Möbius strip, achieving the opposite of their intent? We earnestly enforce uniformity of opinion in order to guarantee diversity of identity – essentially saying everyone is free to look different as long as they think alike. It’s as if the slogan “celebrate difference” got smudged into “celebrate compliance.” For example: a college requires all faculty job applicants to include a pledge about how much they love D.E.I. If you don’t write the pledge, you’re out. In the name of inclusion, we exclude those not already ideologically included. Somewhere, George Orwell is doing a slow clap.

Then there’s the paradox of “be yourself, be different – in this very particular way.” A tech company proudly proclaims it wants diverse thinkers. But when an engineer actually expresses a diverse thought (“maybe our approach to diversity could be improved?”), they’re escorted out by HR as if they detonated a stink bomb in the cafeteria. The public statement reads: “We value diversity of thought… just not that thought.”

The Checklist Fetish: We’ve gotten so good at quantifying diversity that sometimes it feels like the human element disappears. Hiring committees might secretly breathe a sigh of relief: “We got one of each, fantastic! Our job here is done.” It brings to mind that old Pokémon slogan again – gotta catch ’em all – but for humans. When Noah filled the ark, at least it made sense – two of each to propagate the species. But do we really need one of each identity in every conference panel? A panel on, say, urban transportation might end up choosing speakers based on having a perfect diversity mosaic rather than actual expertise in subway engineering. The audience Q&A then suffers accordingly: “Yes, thank you for that very… diverse perspective, but how do we fix the trains?”

The Media – Casting Call for the Rainbow Coalition:

Open any streaming service and check the thumbnails: likely you’ll see the Benetton-ad array of friends – black, white, Asian, Latino, with maybe a hijab or a wheelchair or a non-binary haircut thrown in for extra credit. The CW teen dramas have practically made it a requirement that friend groups must look like mini-UN delegations. It’s heartwarming to see, actually, because life is often like that now. But the humorous bit is how deliberate it feels. You can almost hear the casting director: “We have enough straight white males, please, we cannot exceed our quota or the show will implode!” There’s a running joke online that if you see a group photo in a college brochure, it’s staged – “quick, grab one of each ethnicity from the quad, we need this shot!”

Movies have caught on too. Remember the uproar when some fans objected to a Black stormtrooper in Star Wars? Most people rolled their eyes at the complainers (I mean, they accept alien Jabba the Hutt but not a Black human – go figure). The studios themselves now market diversity as a selling point: “See our film, it’s not just a movie, it’s an exercise in social progress!” Sometimes the cynic in me wonders if a boardroom checklist was involved: “Our blockbuster needs at least a feisty Latina, a wise old gay mentor, and two kickass women leads to hit all four quadrants of diversity. Then it’s critic-proof!” If only storytelling were so simple – plug and play diversity and out comes an Oscar. (Spoiler: it doesn’t always, as some very diverse but very bad movies have shown. You still need a good script, folks.)

Diversity Training Trauma:

Ah yes, the company diversity training day – where fun goes to die. Ever sat through one of these PowerPoint sermons? You arrive with a normal amount of subconscious bias (we all have some) and leave with the distinct impression that you personally caused all historical injustices since the dawn of civilization. It’s like an encounter session combined with a root canal. The trainer peppily tells you to “be vulnerable” – corporate code for, “stand up and admit your privilege and implicit biases in front of your colleagues, or we’ll call you out.” Bob from accounting is quaking as he introduces himself: “Hi I’m Bob, I’m – I’m an unconscious bias-aholic.” “Hi Bob,” the group intones. By the end, Bob has vowed to never make eye contact with anyone ever again just in case it could be misinterpreted. Progress!

One comedic Twitter user once joked: “I went to a diversity training, and all I got was a guilt complex and this lousy T-shirt.” The T-shirt (in my imagination) reads something like: I Survived Diversity Training and All I Got Was Marginalized. The irony is these workshops intend to bring people together, but frequently everyone leaves more wary of each other than before. “Can I compliment my coworker’s hair or is that a microaggression now? Better not risk it – I’ll just stare at my shoes in the elevator.” So much for breaking down barriers – now everyone’s just walking on eggshells. As a result, employees might self-segregate more in fear of accidentally offending across cultures, which is the opposite of what Diversity Day was supposed to do. Congratulations, we achieved inverse diversity – the training for inclusion made people less inclined to casually intermingle. Gold star.

The Checklist’s Revenge:

Here’s a fictional but not implausible scenario: A company meticulously ensured a “diverse” workforce by percentages, but then realized all those folks came from the same elite universities, had the same socio-economic upbringing, and were trained to the same professional jargon – in short, cognitively, they’re clones. When a problem arose that needed creative thinking, they were stumped – groupthink struck hard. They had different skin tones on the Zoom call, sure, but identical thought bubbles above their heads: “I don’t want to say anything outside the consensus.” Truly a monoculture of multicultural people. Mother Nature facepalmed – even she knows monocultures are bad for survival.

The Inquisition of Offense:

In the age of ideological diversity enforcement, slip-ups can be costly. Say something insufficiently attuned to the latest approved terminology, and you might be hauled before the HR tribunal. “On September 14th at 3:47pm, you used the term ‘blind spot’ – did you consider that might be offensive to visually impaired individuals?” It gets hard to keep track. The list of unsayables grows weekly. The intent – compassionate language – is noble, but in practice it turns communications into a linguistic obstacle course. It’s a bit reminiscent of those old witch trials: if you float (deny you’re biased), you’re guilty; if you sink (break down and confess all biases), well, you might survive but your reputation drowns. Perhaps we need diversity absolution – do three Hail Marys and mentor a disadvantaged youth, and thou art forgiven for that microaggression.

When the Culture Itself Parodies It:

Sometimes reality out-parodies satire. Example: A tech company, in earnest pursuit of diversity, reportedly had a multi-page list of words employees should avoid because they aren’t inclusive enough – including “master/slave” in tech contexts (understandable) but also everyday idioms like “cakewalk” or “brown bag” and even “long time no see” (claiming it might mock non-native English structure). One such real-life list from a major university became public and folks noticed you couldn’t say “American” (supposed to say “US citizen”). As one wag put it, “I guess my diversity is only skin deep; my words all need homogenizing.” When things reach this level, comedians barely need to write new material – they just read the memo on stage verbatim, and the audience is in stitches. The onion of irony has many layers here: to promote tolerance, we create an elaborate system of intolerances for innocent phrases.

Celebration or Mandate?

So, where are we now? We have a culture that truly does celebrate difference in many ways unimaginable decades ago. That’s great! But at times, it also mandates a very specific way of celebrating, like a party where the cake is predetermined, and you must eat it with a smile – or else. The spirit of diversity is spontaneous, joyful mixing and learning. The letter of Diversity™ can be quotas, loyalty oaths, and the occasional public shaming ritual. It’s as if the idea got taken over by the Department of Motor Vehicles: fill out these forms, certify your demographic data, take a number, wait to be included. Efficiency trumped authenticity.

Finding the Fun Again:

Maybe we need to recapture some of the playfulness of diversity – the potluck spirit. Loosen the rules a bit, trust people’s better angels a bit more, and allow for good-faith mistakes in the quest to understand each other. If someone says, “Where are you from? No, I mean originally,” maybe they’re not a closet nativist – maybe they’re just genuinely curious about your heritage (albeit clumsily expressed). Not every awkward phrasing is a microaggression; sometimes it’s just, well, awkward. If we can’t laugh off minor missteps and gently correct one another, we’ll end up in a sterile environment where the only safe small talk is weather (actually, careful – climate change is political).

Picture an alternate universe diversity training – one that’s actually…fun. Instead of browbeating Bob from accounting, they play a game where everyone shares something unique about their background or perspective that others might not know. People swap stories. Laughter ensues at misunderstandings that are clarified. Empathy is built not through guilt but through genuine human connection. (Radical idea, I know.) At the end, everyone gets a T-shirt that says “Diversity: I learned something new from a coworker and all I got was this awesome feeling.”

In Conclusion – Embracing the Beautiful Mess:

Diversity in its raw form is a beautiful mess – it’s jazz, not a military march. It thrives with a bit of improvisation and mutual tuning in, not strictly scripted steps. The humorous truth is we sometimes turn it into an overly regimented dance and then wonder why it feels stiff. The ideological elites meant well setting the choreography, but maybe it’s time to allow some freestyle again.

Let’s remember to celebrate the true diversity – yes, of identities, but also of ideas and humor and quirks. Let people be people, imperfect but redeemable, rather than diversity avatars walking on eggshells. After all, life is diverse in every unpredictable way. To parody a famous diversity slogan: Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance; but real fun is when everyone’s doing their own goofy dance moves and laughing together. If we achieve that, we’ll have diversity that isn’t just a mandate, but a delight. And wouldn’t that be a strength?

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